An angel’s life

… by Bon Jovi

It ain’t no fun lying down to sleep
And there ain’t no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip

I drove all night down streets that wouldn’t bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place I lost at love, and the place I lost my soul
I wish I’d just burn down this place that we called home
It would all have been so easy
If you’d only made me cry
And told me how you’re leaving me
To some organ grinder’s lullaby

It’s hard, so hard - it’s tearing out my heart
It’s hard letting you go

Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor’s dog don’t bark like he used to
Well - me, these days
I just miss you - it’s the nights that I go insane
Unless you’re coming back for me
That’s one thing I know that won’t change

It’s hard, so hard - it’s tearing out my heart
It’s hard letting you go

Now some tarot card shark said I’ll draw you a heart
And we’ll find you somebody else new
But I’ve made my last trip to those carnival lips
When I bet all that I had on you

It’s hard, it’s hard, it’s hard, so hard
It’s hard letting you go
It’s hard, so hard, it’s tearing out my heart
But it’s hard letting you go

***************************************

Ok … this is the blog I’ve been trying to write for some time now … it’s 3am … I’ve finished my wine … I’ve been listening to Bon Jovi for 3 hours now … and I found the song that has finally brought me to th point where I can write it. It is so hard …. my heart is tearing in two … tears stream down my face. I guess when I finally write it down there will be a sense of finality to it.

Many of you will know what a miracle Charis was to us .. the miracle of conceiving her and then the miracle of my surviving against grave odds.

Well, at the beginning of the Summer I discovered that God had blessed us with another miracle … I had fallen pregnant again and hadn’t realised. But this time there were complications from the start. We spent the whole Summer going back and forward to the hospital as our baby, that tiny life growing within me, fought to survive. And, man, did it fight!

On the evening of Sunday 29th July 2007 I was sitting watching Songs of Praise and a song came on with the lyrics ‘The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be His Name’ …. we were due for another scan the next day, something which had become routine for us … but it was then that I knew that our baby had died. The Lord had given us this little life, this little soul for a short time, and now the Lord had taken her (I seem to think of the baby as her) home.

Mum had traveled up to be with us, but it was with heavy heart that I lay down for the scan the next day. Though I still clung on to the merest shred of hope, my fears were confirmed - since the last scan, 2 weeks previous, the baby had died. Tuesday 31st July, morning found us sitting in Ward 8, waiting for me to go into theatre …. but this time they weren’t delivering a healthy baby. I would have been 3 months pregnant that day.

On Saturday we attended an annual service of remembrance for those who have lost babies through miscarriage or still birth. We had named our baby Alex - her name is recorded in the book of remembrance in Raigmore Chapel - we lit a candle for her on Saturday, and shed more tears for our loss.

It is so very hard … and it is tearing my heart out. I know she is in a better place …. Charis saw the angel come and take her away, and I have had in my mind’s eye the vision of her in Jesus’ arms, being cared for by those whom we know have passed on into eternity. But it is so very hard … I miss her so much … it is so very hard to let go. I miss her .. I miss her little being growing inside me. And I will spend the rest of my life missing her, as will Andrew and my family. I know that she plays with the angels and the saints in Paradise, that her eyes look upon the face of our Lord, and I know we will be with her again one day.

I know the tears will stop flowing one day … but for now I let them flow …. I don’t care who sees them … it is hard letting go.